Think monogamy is synonymous with boring vanilla sex? Think again.
Sometimes when I think about the enormity of having sex with the same man for the rest of my life, it can get a little overwhelming. Gone is the thrill of one-night stands, intense and steamy hookups, and all those fun firsts that made sex so exciting in the first place.
Nope. Instead, I have sex with the man who has held my leg in the air as I pushed his child out of my vagina. The man I share a mortgage with. The man who buys me medicine when I have diarrhea, and the man who knows what I smell like after four days of camping without a shower.
But we remain undaunted, on an eternal quest to keep our physical lives just as thrilling as they were back in the days of frat parties and keggers. So how do two middle-aged parents in the suburbs keep the bedroom steamy? They get creative.
Here are kinky ways to spice up your sex life. Trust us, it will be insanely erotic.
1. We had sex in public.
We snuck out after dark with sleeping bags and blankets and attempted to do the deed in the middle of his elementary soccer field. The illicit thrill of being seen, the fresh air brushing across our naked bodies, the brand new bike path that had just been built three feet away from where we were getting it on.
Thankfully, the biker that passed just we were getting started laughed and encouraged us to “Have fun, guys!” I’m pretty sure my husband’s boner went away faster than the guy’s bike.
2. My husband tied me up.
I love being tied up, always have. The problem is I’m also a bit of a brat and insist on breaking out of every tie-up my husband has ever tried to put me in. “YOU’RE A DAMN EAGLE SCOUT! TRY HARDER!” I yell. In retaliation, he went out and bought Velcro cuffs for my ankles and wrists that go under our mattress. Well played, boyscout. Well played.
3. My husband spanked the sh*t out of me.
I can remember the first time he tried to spank me, it was this sort of serious tap on my butt that left me wondering if maybe I had a spider on it? Here’s the thing about spanking: the spankee has to be in the mood, the spanker has to know his or her own strength and you have to have a safe word.
Years after our first serious spanking, I crave it just as much as any other sexual act — something about the adrenaline from physical pain coupled with the complete trust I have in him to not actually hurt me. In other words, don’t let some stranger off the street spank you. That’s unsafe. And it’s probably illegal. The sexiest part of spanking is the trust you have to have in someone in order for it to be done right.
4. We had (gasp!) butt sex.
To quote a very good friend: “My butt is a special occasion, like, Happy Anniversary, honey! Here’s my butthole!” Anal has this huge stigma around it, and I get it because I subscribed to it for over two decades. Butt sex isn’t meant as a daily indulgence because honestly sometimes you’re just not in the mood to have your butthole touched at all.
But at the same time, it’s a very unique and intense feeling I rather enjoy. Just know that there is no other act where lube is more important. Until you feel like you’re using too much, you’re probably not using enough. (You’re welcome.) Butt sex is fun. So there, stigma — kiss my butt, I kind of like it.
5. We had a threesome.
This one is NOT for amateurs. In fact, if you want to ruin your unstable relationship really fast, have a threesome. However, if done properly, with the right person and negotiated down to the absolute last detail as to who can touch what, when and where, a threesome can be amazing.
Trust me, all the awkward conversations about expectations and details beforehand will make the whole experience way more pleasurable. Take communication seriously, don’t be shy, and get specific — you’re about to see each other naked. Oh, and let everyone in advance which holes are off-limits.
6. We watched graphic porn together.
You have to have a really honest relationship to watch porn with someone because chances are what you’re going to like will be completely different than what your partner will like. The first time my husband decided to show me his favorite clip, a giant “HOLY SH*T” expression plastered itself to my face.
Suddenly, I was convinced my husband wanted to saddle me like a pony and ride me around an abandoned mansion. But rather than saying “Ohmygod, this is so weird,” I asked him what he liked about it, knowing we were both seeing different things. If you want to try new things in your relationship, you’re going to have to be equally open-minded and vulnerable.
7. We read smutty books together.
50 Shades of Grey was just the first book to get attention. Smut has been written for YEARS and there are so many books a bazillion times better than the saga of Christian and Ana. In fact, reading smutty books made me realize that I wanted to try butt sex.
While I enjoy the narrative surrounding the sexual encounters, my husband just wants to know what I want him to do to me. So while I read the whole story, I’ll give him the kinky highlights to peruse as I rub my body up against him like a horny little creature in heat. And get this, guys: There’s even smut that makes the use of condoms downright sexy foreplay; now that’s erotic literature.
8. I gave my husband a grapefruit blowjob.
Who knows how I ended up on the article, but it was about a grapefruit blowjob, and you know what? I had a grapefruit and a can-do attitude that night. I would have never walked up to one of my high school boyfriends and said, “Spread ’em honey, I’m about to put citrus on your penis and you’re going to like it.”
However, when I told my husband to close his eyes and trust me, he knew he could. And you know what he got? A pretty damn good blow ob and story to tell his drinking buddies.
9. I let my husband dominate me.
I’ve done a lot of research into the nuances and history of dominant/submissive (or D/S) relationships over the last few years. It’s nothing new — doms and subs have been around for centuries and there are varying degrees found in every socioeconomic culture across the country (and probably the world).
The key to any D/S relationship is trust — and I trust my husband more than anything else in the world. One night I simply asked him if he would come after me and not stop what he was doing no matter what I said or did (unless it was our safe word, of course). And you know what? It was one of the hottest nights of my life. And even better, it was with the man I’ve been monogamous with for half my life.
The next day my body was so deliciously sore from fighting against him. When you can be completely consumed and overtaken to the point of bumps and bruises, but then curl into each other when it’s over and know you are safe, loved, and respected, there’s nothing better.
10. We mutually masturbated.
Following the aforementioned confessions, mutual masturbation may seem boring. But in a world where many religions preach masturbation as a sin, I say death by vibrator! How can you truly know what you like if you’ve never figured it out for yourself?
We went the first ten years of our sex relationship only touching each other, not ourselves (at least not in front of each other) and the first time I slid my hand down there and let him watch me make myself feel good it’s as though a whole new level of pleasure unlocked. Several weeks later, I saw him put his hand on himself as his mouth was on me and I immediately came.…